Time alone, progress then and now...

June 14, 2010

I am going to try today. I already cleaned my house. Later today I am going to get my best friend’s birthday gift, and then I am going to go to her house. I am not nervous. I am not anxious.

I haven’t slept in a while. I really don’t feel like eating, but the last time I ate was yesterday morning (I think). 

I got coffee. Ahh man. I hate this feeling like I’m going to be killed at any moment. I keep doing these weird things, like making certain sounds with every step, and lying on my floor for hours. I think if you would have walked in on me laying there in silence, eyes wide open, face blank, you would have thought I had passed out or tried to kill myself. I layed half-under my bed for a long time, just because it's where I finally felt relaxed and I didn't want to move as to disrupt that feeling.

I’ve had another flashback yesterday, I shouldn't drink. It was dark outside. I could hear the people in the street. I can remember those few minutes before so clearly, I can smell the air and feel my dirty skin, how tired I was but too much adrenaline to possible sleep. So I lay there with my eyes closed just listening to everything around me and trying to make my body believe that it was okay to relax and sleep. I lied... Suddenly the explosion rattled us and all the calm was gone. 

I don’t know what’s wrong with me right now. I feel like my mind isn’t in my body and I’m just watching myself sit here, typing, from behing a big screen. I want to get back to my body. 

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Sometimes it's so hard to see how much progress I have made until I go back and read my old journals. I hate counseling but I know it helps. I haven't had a day like above in over 5-6 months and no more than a couple of beers a day and only before 6pm. No one knows the rules and all the negotiations that I have made with the enemy myself to get to this point. I will win this chess match with PTSD, I have my body back, now I want my life back.